Prophetic Dream Ignorer

Today was pretty fun! I played "How to Fish" with some long-distance friends. I wish we had a better word for this kind of game than "Friendslop"- it makes it harder to use "slop" against AI companies. You all catch fish, then attack them as they fling themselves around the island. It has a similar mechanic to "Gamble with friends" where everyone shares a wallet, which you add to by selling fish and remove from by buying weapons defeat boss fish. Definetly worth the 7 dollar price tag.

I really needed something to do that wasn't involved with my parents... We've spent pretty much the whole week moving my Grandma into the dementia care floor of her assisted living home. She forgets that she's bought something, then she buys more of it, so there was a lottt of crap to sort through and toss. And of course she didn't really want to move, and was asking if the new place was temporary (she used to live on the forth floor in a slightly bigger room). While I was moving her stuff, elderly people and carers kept stopping me to go "Oh, your here for (my grandmas name) right? It's sad that she needs to move to the third floor but its definetly time :( she's so nice, she probably doesn't remember me but I'll visit her sometimes". I know we look related, and it was nice that everyone was so supportive, but like. Idk I think it forces me to think more about how much worse she's doing.

The memory care section has a different elevator tucked away behind the cafeteria. They don't take the elevator to the cafeteria though- have their own little meal area next to a living room with lots of lounge chairs and a TV. Then off the kitchen there's the rooms, which all have framed pictures of the residents on the doors because they can't remember which one is theirs.

To leave and get to the elevators, they have a locked door with a keypad. Here's the funny part- the code is written right above the keypad in the form of a puzzle! It's a poem with four numbers listed, and the numbers are written in a scrambled way (one -> oen, ect) and the code is literally "1,2,3,4". It's a pretty smart system- if you can't get the door open, you probably deserve to be there 😅

At least I know for a fact that I don't have the alzheimers gene. My parents both took the 23 and me test (even though I told them not to- you don't want other people to have your genetic code. Health insurance doesn't factor it in yet but they might one day, and if both parents code is sequenced they basically have your kids too. I get why they did it- curiosity and the fact that if the data is going to be used in research, we want ourselves to be included in the "average", but like. our understanding of how to interpret it is only going to get better, and I don't want companies to be able to sell that kind of data on me.) and my Mom doesn't have the same alzheimers gene as my Grandma. It still sucks to watch it happen to someone else though.

But yeah. I haven't had time to unpack my room (It still has everything from my school apartment in boxes, AND several suitcases from my trips to my college town, Germany, and a weekend convention. it is packed -_-) or clean up my resume, or apply for jobs. It'll probably take until Wednesday to finally get her all settled. Maybe I could bring my laptop to her place tomorrow?

Okay, time to move on to something fun. One of my friends is running a "OC Hunger Games" where we each submit 3 OC's and they will write a story about all of them dying horribly in the games!! I'm really excited- I already submitted one OC, but I still need to fill out the form for two others. I've been making redesigns so that they fit the setting, and I'll probably post any comics I make for it. There's only 12 OCs, so it shouldn't be super tough to give everyone screen time. Fingers crossed my Yandere OC makes it to the top 3, she's probably the most likely to win since the other two I'm submitting don't have a ton of combat training lol.

I've been thinking about what shrines I would want to make, and right now I think I have the most to say about The Magnus Archives, and Mirai Nikki.

WHATS NEW:

• ♡ Music page has a cute outline now!
• ♡ Removed the Jenny Holzer plaques... The ones I was thinking about adding were a little too grim for the homepage. You should still check out her work though! Maybe I'll put them back up on a more fitting page. The essay area maybe? Then I could talk about my interpretations...
• ♡ My status box on the homepage is super cute now 😎
• ♡ Uploaded some more OC art!
• ♡ 9/16 EDIT: added a new song to the music page :p

Visiting my college town rn for a presentation but it got pushed out a week. Yippee!!

(hopefully that means I'll have more freetime to work on my site.)

WHATS NEW:

• ♡ Reformatted the home page. My status cafe box is closer to the top and a lot prettier. Also, my webrings get a cute sidescroller section now!! I've added a couple of new textposts to the hall of fame, and attempted to reorder my blinkees by color (but it didn't quite work out lol.)
• ♡ Added 2 new songs to the music tab and changed the order.
• ♡ I have an essay section now! Theres only one article and it's pretty short, its about the hudson yards Vessel- just make sure to mind the content warnings.
• ♡ If you see my unfinished shrine menu on the neocities update page, no you don't lol
• ♡ Tidied up the navigation on my art page. The main page has a strawberry theme now, and features my favorite art fight drawings! I scanned three of my sketchbooks to put on different pages, but I'm having some issues with finding a good image host so it may be a bit before I upload them.
• ♡ Made my guestbook formatting match my status cafe formatting.

I'm sooooo jetlagged rn omg... anyways HUGE HUGE UPDATE TO THE HOME PAGE:

I am happy to announce... TETO IS NOW MICROWAVABLE!!! YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.

GO CHECK. BE FREE. MICROWAVE AWAY!!!

I also revamped my music page and added an interactable gif in the bottom right corner! This managed to keep me awake for an extra 2 hours- I need to stay awake until at least 7pm if I wanna get back onto a normal schedule.

There's only 3 days left for artfight and I have six revenges left to do- I don't think I'm gonna manage to keep my 50:50 ratio this year 🥲. Still, I've made 15 attacks so far. I think thats a pretty good showing!

edit: i made this post at 8pm.... my computer time isn't set right omg... im going to bed gn

edit 2: ok its the next day now- if you click on the optimism angel on the home page you can give her a lil pat on the head (❁´◡`❁)

edit 3: I forgot- I was gonna reccomend this comic I read a couple of days ago: The Creepy and Freaky. It took me maybe 2 or 3 hours to finish the whole thing. It starts out as a very solid horror anthology told by little animal crossing creatures, before unveiling a really good meta plot! Went a lot of very interesting places, and had some very purposful messaging. Go read it if you like creepy-cute stuff and horror!!

My internship ends next week and I'll have to leave Europe… I don't wannaaaaaa augh. I'm not ready to face figuring out my life yetttt.

My parents actually came to visit Europe this weekend!! They flew into London, then arrived in Paris on Thursday. I took Thursday and Friday off of work so I could get a train over there and spend a few days in Paris. It was really cool- we went to the Louve and did a lot of shopping. I also got to go to two different restaurants that I had seen my first time there and didn't have the budget to go to at the time- I'll see if I can upload some photos hehe.

It was really nice to see my parents again- talking in person is way better than phone calls, and my cohort doesn't drink so it was nice to have wine and yap. Though there is one conversation that’s still sticking out to me.

The way I phrased it was "Someone on my cohort asked if we would choose to live in Germany permanently, and the response that everyone agreed on was yes- if they could pick up and bring all of their friends and family to live here as well." I thought they would be flattered- it’s a sweet thing to say! But they both made a face.

My Mom told me, very seriously, that she didn't want her and my Dad to hold me back from what I wanted to do. Then they went on to say that I come from a long line of people that… I don't remember the exact phrasing, run away? Leave it all behind. That sounds right. My grandpa left new york, my grandmother left idaho for spokane, I've never even met any of my great-grandparents on my Mom's side because they're all so estranged. My parents also moved pretty far from their respective hometowns.

I didn't actually explain the entire conversation with my cohort- when R___ asked the three of us that, I replied first and said "honestly if I spoke the language better, then yes." Then A___ said the thing about her friends and family, and R___ and M___ agreed with that as their response. I nodded along too- it’s a nice idea! I like my friends and family, but… I do think I'm better equipped for being alone in a new place better than other people. It doesn’t really bother me to be off somewhere else alone for a while as long as there are cool things to see and do. It's really only if I don't leave the house all day that I get moody. I don't think I've ever felt "homesick" during my internship, even though I've been here for three months. Most of my complaints have boiled down to physical discomfort instead- like surviving the absurd heatwaves. (it will be nice to have ac again lol)

I dunno, it just stood out to me that thats how they reacted. I thought it was a lighthearted annecdote- I wasn't really considering it as "holding me back". the US kinda sucks rn, and it would be super cool to have everyone I care about to hang out with in Germany. I could show them around!! Maybe I can do a trip in the future lol.

Back to what I've been currently worried over- I'll have to go move back home soon, and I'll have to figure out a new place for myself. I don't have a job lined up and my Mom is threatening to get me a waitress job if I don't find something fast. I spent five years getting a science degree, I'm getting a job in science- no more customer service, that’s one of the reasons I wanted a degree in the first place. I've had three different lab jobs- surely I can get something. I'd love to get my own apartment, but financially it would make the most sense to live with my parents for a bit- most of the people I know who graduated recently and have jobs are still living with their parents, but I really like having my own place.

All of the fun lab work and weekend trips are over… this whole thing felt like an extended vacation and I'm sad its ending :/ plus this week I'm gonna be doing pure data entry and computer work which I find SUPER BORING. I spent all of my stipend on weekend trips so I didn't make any money from this lol- but I accepted that when I started my trip. Who knows when I'll be in Europe again with easy access to so many countries to visit? Plus this is the last time I'll get the student discount on everything for a hot minute. So I don't regret using the entire stipend, but um… I want money, so I'll need another job soon.

What I would really like to do is find more opportunities like this- I don't have any responsibilities or debts to pay yet- if I could find more research experience stuff that covers my living space and food, I could just go wherever and do more cool shit. But I have to actually start filling out applications for that lol. I feel behind on everything, which is dumb. Whatever, that’s just what its like when you're in your twenties. I shouldn't be worrying about this yet, I still have a week. That’s one more weekend trip!! Maybe within Germany this time so I can use my tram pass for a day trip instead of buying tickets to something and sleeping in a hostel. IDK!!

Guess what... I CLEANED THE MOLD OUT OF THE SHOWER!! ITS FINALLY GONE!!!! I'M FREEEEE

Last night I poured apple cider vinegar over everything, waited an hour, and sacrificed one of my two dishtowels to wipe everything down. It came right off. Fuck you mold I will destroy u.

in other news, Discord has failed me and all the links on my art page died. ughhhhhh they're bringing back the age verification thing too. Whatever I don't need you discord I'll make my own much cooler chatroom. On this website. Probably. one day.<- lying

my mentor finally got back from her two week vacation! I didn't really need her for anything today though- I'm just doing a second run of the same experiment I did last week. I got to the lab at 11AM and left at 6, so I did an actual full day lol. Tomorrow I'll be pretty busy too, but I NEED to get off of work at 5 because thats when the new deltarune chapter drops!!

maybe I should show up at 9 instead of 10... then I can finish earlier. I just suck at waking up early lol. And if I go at different times the train is emptier so I get to sit down. we'll see how I feel in the morning.

one of my cohort members got a tattoo in Venice. I've been thinking about getting one for a long time- I'm really enamored with getting one of the tower tarot card on the back of my right arm, but idk if I could commit to it- tattoos are so permanent.

It's going to hit 100 degrees later this week. I am not looking forward to that- maybe I can find a cafe or something with ac to hide in until it cools off? I'm definetly not staying at the apartment this weekend, it'll turn into an oven.

THE ART PAGE!!!! EXISTS NOW!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!

The reason it took me so long is that I had two big issues: I wanted the photos to take focus and not just be stacked on top of each other, and I wanted it to not be miserable uploading and linking everything. I combed through a lot of neocities tagged with #art to see how they structured their pics, and finally found a script that makes little icons you can click on to view the full photo! I'm really pleased with how the page functions.

As for linking, after uploading some test images, I realized I didn't have a lot of the dnd art I wanted to post downloaded to my computer. However, I had uploaded tons of dnd art to my discord…

So I tested it and turns out you can use discord image links!! I know you shouldn't use discord as an image host but its so much quicker this way :3 maybe I'll go back and host them somewhere else later, but for now this works.

I also added some new songs to music (and added a song to this page! If you hover over the cherry gif then click on the music note, it'll play the phone theme from chapter 1 of Anjail!). I tried to add the lyrics to Agglomerate under a readmore for the music page, but it completely broke the everything and I wasn't in the mood to bug fix. I still have the lyrics saved from the woe.begone patreon though, so I'll upload it at some point! It's kinda funny because the song IS technically on spotify, but it's as an intermission in the podcast feed, not a song. That means no lyrics on the main web yet :/

I've had so much freetime this week- I'm working under two post-doc students, and one of them is taking the week off- then the other one got sick on Wednesday! Luckily I'm just sterilizing and plating arabidopsis seeds this week- I did that tons of times at my old lab, and I finished making and pouring the plates last week when they were still around to tell me where all the materials are. If anything ends up contaminated I'm gonna be pissed.

But yeah I've been taking advantage of it by doing artfight prep! I've completely changed the design of one character and uploaded a new one. I'm half done with my redesigns for my hot elf wizard guy and I've finished two of the three drawings I have planned for my Lich guy… Maybe I should pace myself a bit more so I still have energy to draw in July lol.

I've also been playing a lot of deltarune!! I had a feeling the next chapter would come out soon so I'm collecting all the shadow crystals and the thorn ring via aborted snowgrave on the same run. I'll have the best gear, and be able to make the twisted sword. I still think the mantle game was implying you're supposed to get the thorn ring and then stop the weird route- the third map matches up with real-world locations, and has you using a sword (the twisted sword?) on lightners. Like, come on- a strong fish enemy surrounded by yellow dinosaurs and if you kill the fish the dinosaurs kill themselves? And its where the police station would be in the lightworld? Or the collection of monsters that can't run away and can be used for healing on the bottom left of the map- where the school would be, where the darkners would not be able to run away from attacks anymore because there is no where else to go? Or the choir singer surrounded by pale monsters that wake up and attack you only after you've killed her- lined up with where Kris' house would be? Noelle isn't there- I think the twisted sword is what lets us do these things, not the weird route.

But uh. That’s just a theory lol.

My apartment is still shitty. I think the fridge broke- I opened it today and everything in the fridge was frozen. My juice was slush. My chickpea salad was a solid block. My leftovers were freezer-burned. UGH!!!

Whatever. I'm going to Venice with my cohort this weekend so I don't have to deal with it rn :p

Remember how I said my cohort never complained?

After I took the train home, I spotted one of the people in my group- I walked over and said hi and started a conversation.

Sidebar: I haaaate icebreakers. Every year, in choir or summer camp, or at a new job, or in class if the teacher was feeling especially sadistic, I have to go through an hour of icebreakers. Do you believe in ghosts? Aliens? If you could take one item to a deserted island what would you bring? What's your greatest fear? If you had to take a bath in a tub of jello, what flavor would it be? Find someone in the group to help you fill out a bingo sheet. UGH. These are all real questions I have been asked, and somehow found a way to answer "wrong". If you ask me if I believe in ghosts, I'm gonna say yeah and tell you why! Stop looking weirded out, you literally asked!!

I think the reason is that I came on too strong and answered too honestly- I would try to be upfront, but getting really intense when its your first or second time talking to someone is a good way to scare them off… I'm good at being friendly, but sometimes I would be TOO friendly, if that makes sense.

Also the jello question was stupid that one wasn't my fault.

Point is, when meeting new people I usually come on kinda strong, and I decided to take a different tact this time. Sidebar over: Since I haven't gone on a trip that is technically for work and not fun like this before, I decided to shut up and watch everyone else- and copy them. They'd know the right way to act in this situation. The right way was apparently small talk with a lull in the conversation every seven-ish minutes, which I would let pass and not break the silence. Felt super weird, cus with my friends we yap constantly, but this was a new situation and I wanted to seem… professional.

And I think it paid off!

I started talking with her, and there were no long five minute silent pauses- we yapped the whole time, reached my apartment, and kept yapping for another hour! There were several times where we could have left, but didn't want to! At one point she joked we were doing a "midwest goodbye" and I laughed and said "yeah but I've had no one to talk to but my coworkers for the last four days." and she was like "Yeah!! It's good to talk to someone I've known uh… three days longer." Then she got kinda quiet and started tearing up??? And I was like ohhh shit but I acted like I didn't notice. She definitely seemed embarrassed to be crying, so I think that was the right move? We ended up talking another twenty minutes after that.

Yayyyy I made a friend!! Turns out not being pushy works, and so does having the other person feel isolated and sad for almost a week before swooping in… whoops. At least I know now that the rest of my cohort aren't actually completely unaffected by the whole uh… moving to another country alone with only a vague understanding of the local language thing lol. It's kinda reassuring.

I'm working on an art piece right now for a competition- first place is 150 dollars!! It's for some online videogame my brother plays. Like half the art submitted so far has been disqualified for tracing, so I'm feeling pretty good about my odds hehehe.

My new flat here doesn't have any wifi, so I haven't been able to update my neocities- only use my phone's roaming data. (I'm using the universities wifi right now lol.) I looked back at some of the updates I wrote and yeesh, maybe I'll wait to post them lol. I was in a pretty bad mood from the jetlag and state of my apartment and other general things. I'm settling in ok! I'm at a university near Dusseldorf, which I honestly prefer- its a bigger town than my college one, but still not crazy busy. It's also been raining the entire time I've been here, which I love (one of my cohort joked you can tell I'm from Seattle) even though everyone else isn't as in to it.

It turns out this whole thing is funded by a plant science cluster focused on bio-engineering stronger plants for climate change. They gave us a whole presentation on it- there's over 120 scientists in the cluster, it sounds really impressive. It feels kinda weird to be involved in something so serious, but I'm a lot less nervous than I thought I would be- I've had my lab safety orientation, and I actually feel pretty well trained for most lab work. I was asked to do a fifteen minute presentation for my PI on what I'm researching in a couple of weeks, and weirdly enough I don't feel stressed about it- I literally spent the last two semesters doing a presentation on some paper every other week. Part of me was worried I didn't actually learn anything from my degree, but I think that was just imposter syndrome talking lol. Everything I've been asked to do so far I've already known how to, and I've done a decent job following the lab presentations I've had to go to.

I wasn't gonna post the update from last tuesday (never let the haters see you losing) but... idk, moving to a completely new country for 10 weeks is tough even when its cool! I don't want to give the impression that someone is travelling abroad "wrong" if they find it frustrating sometimes.

I added the entry I wrote the night I made it to my apartment below- I had been awake for 25 hours and was in a pretty bad mood, so look out lol. Nothing like navigating foreign public transport with tons of delays to start your trip :p I'm doing a lot better now.

I don't know when I'll be able to upload this because the flat I'm staying in has no internet buttttt oh my god I just had the longest day.

I don't know why I'm here. Honestly the whole trip I was like "why… did I sign up to do this. I don't want to be here it just seemed like the "correct" way to do things. I applied for all kinds of internships how did I get this one." I can't say that though or I'll look ungrateful. The plane flight was ten hours- a toddler shrieked the entire flight so I got no sleep. Then I spent the ENTIRE DAY transferring from various trains and busses. The guy sitting diagonally from me on one of the busses was VERY OBVIOUSLY touching himself through his pants the whole time and was trying (badly) to play it off as adjusting his pants. The ride was like half an hour long too. When we were waiting for one of the trains, I went to get coffee with someone from my cohort. She walked up and ordered an ice coffee, and he said "we don't have that." She said "oh, is the sign wrong?" and pointed at it and he shook his head. Then she was like "Oh I get it." and turned to leave. I left too- turns out some people don't like americans here! I thought it would be better than France at least, ugh. She mentioned it to our guide like it was a funny story and he was like "haha yeah germans suck."

One positive I will say is that my entire cohort (there are six of us) seems very competent! I've traveled to different countries with a few different groups (middleschoolers, highschoolers, neuroscience undergrads, university choir)- and compared to them, this group was incredibly on the ball. The weirdest part was probably the fact that no one complained ever. I've been in groups where they complain constantly and it gets tired really fast, so I was glad, but this has been the roughest arrival I've experienced by far and no one seemed phased. Maybe they're just more experienced than me?? Anyways, I've made small talk with most of them and everyone seems very nice.

I guess I'm also on the younger side in the group? Most of them are graduate students and I just got my bachelors lol.

I finally made it to my flat after 25 consecutive hours of being awake- the room is better than I expected, but weird in other ways. I have one roommate, she seems fine- I think she's a international grad student researcher? She was not that into volunteering info on herself- I introduced myself and after an awkward pause I had to ask her for her name. She did however offer to let me use her shampoo and body wash which I am in direeee need of since the next two days are holidays and all the stores will be closed. Maybe I just caught her off guard because it was like 2 AM lollllll. I slept through whenever she arrived back here. Also, we have separate rooms which is super nice! We share a bathroom (with a freaky european shower, no tub, and a suspicious amount of mold.) and a kitchen with one table, one chair,n and a tiny cupboard fridge like hotels have. There is also a stove, but I'm not super into cooking so we'll see how my budget works out.

But yeah, the trip was hell, the crowded trains were hell, and I'm stinky as hell. I'm gonna wait to shower because my roommate is sleeping, but I figure I can get away with it around nine or ten AM.

Today was rough. Every other trip I've had usually they hire a bus to get everyone around and I can just sleep. I just checked online, and a uber from frankfurt to my apartment would've cost 320 euros!! So I get why we took the crazy roundabout public transit, but jesus, it took all day…

I'm hoping once I've had more sleep, food, and a shower, I'll feel more excited about being here. The plants are cool at least- the area I grew up in was heavily colonized by germans so they brought a lot of their plants with them, and I can recognize them! I loveee identifying plants hehe.

I miss my friends… its super weird to go from my graduation, with all of my loved ones congratulating me and seeing my friends every day to just… middle of some fuckoff city that’s annoyed by americans, with a group of strangers. Working on my website makes me feel more like myself though- a lot of the usual markers of things "I" do isn't really possible, so I gotta hold on to my hobbies. I'm SO GLAD I packed my jaxburger plushie- I didn't pack anything else to decorate my room, but he adds some life to it and doubles as a pillow. I need to get a sketchbook asap so I can decorate the walls too- I did the math, and I'll be here 75 more days.

I will give the city this, I like their elevation. It's only 200 feet more than Seattle. My old university had a stupid high elevation and it always took me a couple weeks of feeling lethargic to get used to the low oxygen levels. It's also much more humid, which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how hot it gets in the summer…

I definitely made the right call with my denim jacket and hoodie. I saw sooooo many people with hoodies, and a few with denim jackets. If I keep my mouth shut, I can kinda pass as a local. (Though I think that’s less important here than in say France- lots of university students and researchers are from different countries, and we don't have enough money to be worth scamming like tourists lol.)

Ugh, I should probably get started on prepping for tomorrow, we are meeting at a train station so I need to figure out tickets and my phones sim card. And get my PC an internet connection!! I WILL die if I can only use the internet on my phone.

I AM SO SLEEPY!! but I have not been able to fall asleep before 3 AM at any point this week sooooo I was looking through my old word docs and I found a short story I had been working on last year!! I cleaned it up and posted it to Lit, so now there's actually something on that page lol.

I also added another short story I published a while ago- if I ever get around to making a video game with my brother, she's gonna be the main character. I took a game design class this semester but it was a total waste of time- I learned more at both of my game jams than that class :/ didn't even have any finished games to show for it at the end. I got pretty far into making one with GB Studio, maybe if I finish it I'll post it here. Most of the assets are done, I was just struggling with the dialouge because its a lot more heavy handed than what I usually write.

I'm moving to a new country for 11 weeks this tuesday- feels fake lol. I'm very excited but also I wish I could like. Pass out for a week to recover for finals. Oh well, thats just how stuff goes.

woke up this morning with the worst cramps of my life, almost passed out walking to the bathroom, and i am happy to announce: a tuxedo latte, five dollar raspberry chocolate bar, and 3 hour bath with sanrio branded epsom salts completely cured it. Never give up never surrender ✌️

Jesus this week has been so fucking long.

My grandpas funeral was last Sunday, it was nice. I had to drive two hours out to this small Idaho town- several roads and other things are named after that side of the family because they own the sawmill. I only ever go there for funerals and weddings, but this was my first time going as like. An adult and not a child, so I actually managed to tell all of my older relatives apart lol. My grandma has thirteen siblings and they all have kids and their kids have kids soooo there were a lot of people. Some of them are actually pretty cool! I've always felt kinda disconnected from them because I live so far away, and thought that once my grandma passed I wouldn't have any way to be invited to these kinds of events but I could actually see myself talking more with some of them in the future… One of them even gave me her number for when I'm abroad because she'll be around that area working on a novel lol. It felt reassuring to have so many people offering support- even if it was kinda embarrassing that I was one of the only people who cried during the funeral.

Apparently my grandma accidentally bought 2 plots at the graveyard when she only needs one for her and grandpa, so that’s where my parents want to be buried. I always knew they both wanted to be cremated, but before this my Mom had said she wanted her ashes spread somewhere peaceful I could visit. A middle of nowhere small town isn't really that. I brought that up and they told me that I could hold the funeral where ever and just ship their ashes over there, and that she doesn't want me getting caught up in the past. My parents have never been that sentimental, so I guess that tracks lol.

Then yesterday my dog died. I'm just trying to focus on getting my fucking degree. My Mom called to let me know after I had driven to a city an hour and a half away from my college town to pick out a graduation dress with some friends, so I just tried to put it out of my mind and focus on that. In the end I couldn't really pick anything out- I wanna be excited about the dress if I'm spending that much on it, and I wasn't really up to feeling excited about anything. I did get a cute Pomni plushie at hot topic tho, which helped me feel a bit better. And my friend who graduated last year drove over to see us at the mall! I really missed her, so it was nice to catch up.

Both my grandpa and my dog weren't unexpected- it had been a long time coming. I got to spend time with both of them too before it happened. I don't really feel any regret or like I misspent the time I got to have with them, so I'm handling things pretty well even if I'm sad. It's just a little shocking to have both things happen so close together. I know I'm an adult now- I'm at the age where these things become more common, but I wish I could know how common this is going to be. I was prepared for both of them to pass, but is having people that I know die going to be a more constant thing? A lot of my Dad's high school friends committed suicide around this age- he actually asked me if anyone I knew had done that yet. I told him no and he got quiet for a minute before wondering if his class had an unusual amount of deaths. I know several of my brothers friends killed themselves after Trump got re-elected, and a couple of my friends have attempted since graduating high school but luckily they didn't succeed. I don't know, I just feel unsure about how much I need to prepare myself.

A big part of why I'm not doing worse emotionally is because I didn't waste any of the time I spent with either of them. So I guess the biggest take-away from all of this is not to take the people I care about for granted and spend more time with my loved ones, then if anything does happen, at least I won't have any regrets. I think I'm already decent at this, but its something to keep in mind. I'm glad April is almost over, this month has sucked.

I may actually have to figure out how to make my own blinkees if I want an Iron Lung blinkee..... sadge....

UPDATE: Blinkees on tumblr made me one!!!!! go check them out they take requests :D

I also added some new songs to my music player hehe. And I have a gifypet now!!

Ok..... here is some stuff I wanna write about cus I'll probably have more freetime once I graduate... tho I am going abroad for an internship for like 10 weeks so who knows lol.

The list is more for my benefit soooo dw if it doesn't make sense.

• ♡ That article about the lululemon murder and comparing it to Bunny by Mona Awad- they both have the dangers of buying into a commercialized identity. "We all want to be ocean" vs Samantha being lowkey groomed into performing this infantilizing false femininity. The allure of this false idealized lifestyle, the way it's reinforced with an us against the dangerous world mentality. "Working a 15,000 job didn't seem conducive to the dream of living a 100,000 one.". ALSO I GET TO TALK ABOUT SOFIA COPPOLA FILMS WHICH I HAVE. A LOT OF OPINIONS ABOUT. She did such a good job with the Marie Antoinette one and then did NOTTTT do what I expected with the Elvis one and completely ruined the message. I need to talk about the pregnancy scene in that movie it pisses me off so bad holy shit.

  The scene started out so good with her water breaking and elvis freaking out in the background while she is CALMLY APPLYING FALSE EYELASHES IN THE FOREGROUND. SHE IS LITERALLY ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH AND IS STILL ONLY FOCUSED ON BEAUTY because it is THAT engrained in her that thats where her value comes from. They drive to the hospital. I am so ready for this to be the turning point of the movie- in Marie Antoinnette its the ending where the peasents destroy the gorgeous castle that Marie's been living in, and here I thought it was going to be the fact that you can't be a perfectly kept demure doll during and after birth. Its not pretty. It can't be. Expecting that would be insanity.

  And we get a shot of her in the hospital. and then the next shot. Is her. Outside the hospital. Holding the baby. Looking PERFECTLY PRISTINE.

  What?? What?????? HOW???? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A WHOLE SHOT ABOUT HER PUTTING ON MAKEUP BEFORE GIVING BIRTH, SHOWING THE INANITY AND RIDICULOUSNESS OF THIS ACTION, THEN HAVE HER KEEP HER PRISTING DOLL APPEARANCE AFTERWARDS. I HATE THIS MOVIE.

• ♡ I wanna compare Serious Weakness and Killing Stalking......... Especially in how Oenene is handled, she is very cool. Killing Stalking was dumb fun but Serious Weakness had me in a fucking chokehold. I was also reading this while I worked nightshift manager for a very large wealthy hotel so the whole "putting up a face to survive and do well in society that wants to spit you out" thing really hit hard- I had a security guards on walkie-talkie, but weird shit happens when you're alone at the front desk and I skipped pretty high on the hierarchy to go straight to manager cause I knew people. Ignoring the imposter syndrome though I got paid pretty well and I could read yaoi on the clock cus I was the highest authority and no one was checking up on me lol.

  The school shooter element really took me by surprise but makes a ton of sense thematically and was handled well. Insul seems to offer freedom from society while Onene seems to offer a way in, but at the end of the day they're both trying to control Trianon. This really clicks during the bulletwife scene. Ugh this book rewired my brain I swear.

• ♡ I need to talk about Cockatiel x Chameleon but literally I don't know what to say. Sometimes its very heavyhanded (like the text description of George Floyds murder?? I don't know if experimental webfiction is the place for that?) sometimes I have no clue what the text is getting at (Everything with the coworker on the car trip.... wtf was that. the breakdancing?? the forest??? did she die?????) however the people that its about feel very of the times. I haven't seen characters that are soooo "terminally online toxic tar pit in 2020" like this in books before. Where else am I gonna get comentary on Rebbecca Sugar discorse, ragebaiter discord mods, online echo chambers, people who live empty lives where they go to work then go home and sleep and do nothing else, and modern nsfw patreon artists. Also the prose is very pretty. Uh... mind the tags if you want to read it for yourself, but most of the really nasty stuff is the characters roleplaying.
• ♡ Was debating talking about some examples of women written by men well vs poorly in podcasts but idk... a lot of the examples are kinda niche and funded by fans which makes it feel more like punching down than critiquing something with lots of money like disney. Ugh but Magnus Archives and Silt Verses have such great female characters while another podcast that shall not be named.......... does not. and it frankly comical in how sexist it is. Like. Has two alive named female characters and the only time one of them is allowed to do anything she is hiding her identity so the protag assumes shes a man. Then when we learn it was actually her she suddenly can't do anything to effect the plot and gets totally neutered. this happens MULTIPLE TIMES. If you are thinking of that one specific podcast yep I'm nodding right now its probably that one.

  the amount of people I've seen defending said podcast is CRAZYYYY which is why I wanna compare it to a couple of others that handle women really well to be like; it doesn't have to be this way!! Look!!! wtf do you mean he's a man so it makes sense he can't write women 😭😭

• ♡ Those video essays that are like "art is ruined forever guys. good movies are dead. Music sucks now" and its just like. them complaining about Disney or the bilboard top 50. SHUT UP!!!! We live in an age where it is easier than ever before to find art catered to you and not the literal broadest audience possible. Theres a reason reality tv is so popular, and its not because its good- its because it has broad appeal. anyone can watch it and understand whats going on. Yeah no shit the most popular stuff shilled by big companies is bad- its designed in a lab to appeal to everyone, not to be good. You need to find stuff that is more specific to your tastes! Not what everyone else would like!

  My example would probably be horror author Lisa Tuttle, her horror anthologies are EXTREMELY RELATABLE to me on a level I haven't really seen in other books. When I say relatable I don't neccasarily mean from the same demographic as you, I just mean has similar struggles. Genuinely it was like. creepy, how I'd go through something and the short stories in "Nest of Nightmares" seemed to be riffing off of it.

I!!!!!!!!!! may rework this page into being more of a journal than an update page, or change the lit page to have journal entries and mini essays. ugh idk.

Had a weird call with my parents, I explained how a lot of things that were stressing me out a couple weeks ago (finding someone to buy my lease, arranging a meeting with my new PI abroad, midterms, class I have to pass to get my degree that I am currently not passing,) have mostly resolved or been taken care of. I've been sooooo exhausted and my Dad was like "Every person you know who is competent? This is how they feel every day lol. Your doing the right thing. The trick is keeping all the plates spinning and knowing how much attention each one needs." Very reassuring but also I don't really feel in control lolllll.

Why can't I get paid 100,000 to hang out with my friends and have silly coffee drinks every day I literally deserve it >:/

MY thought process has always been juggling instead of plates- the trick is knowing which balls are glass and which are plastic, because you're gonna drop some of them no matter what. Drop the plastic ones. Heres the thing though: I HATE DROPPING ANYTHING AT ALLLLLL UGHHHHHHHH.

literally I didn't even go to some of my classes this week but I'm still gonna be fine cus I did make up work and emailed professors about it. BUT I WOULD PREFER TO GET EVERYTHING DONE INSTEAD PLS. UGH!!!!!!

I asked my friend how she got such a cool music player- apparently she found it online! I searched up neocities music players and now the main page has multiple songs!! I also changed the header again... I don't know when I'll be fully happy with it, but I think the main page is finally presentable enough to move on.

TO DO:

♡ Add more songs to music player!! Specifically some stuff by Caravan Palace I think.

♡ Been having weird dreams recently, a dream journal could be fun. I think I would make the page ocean themed- I have some cute mermaid pngs.

♡ Make a button!! I wanna be able to be linked to.

Edit: I FOUND NEW FONTS!!!! THEY LOOK SO COOL AAA. go check out this site here for fonts its really fun.

Home page is looking really good so far!! I still need to fix the music player (idk why it stopped working?) and add my friends buttons to the button scroll, but I made some good progress today.

Swapped out my crappy homepage with a much nicer menu page! and it only took me like 3 hours!! Technically it would be easier to rename it to be my new home page but I think I'm just gonna fix my links to go to the menu instead...

Was messing with the style.css file and I think I lost my font... sadge. I'm working on fixing it rn, will hopefully have a better homepage soon!

FORGET THE PLAN!!! nothing else can happen until i make my home page legible T^T

Okay, i made a list of what I want to get done:

• ♡ Some sort of music player- the biggest issue is I don't have a way to host everything yet... I've been using catbox.moe but I would run out of space around 100 songs.
• ♡ Space for essays- I already have the way I want it organized in mind, this page is wayyy too informal for that. The articles are mostly going to be focused on webfiction, and some philosophy.
• ♡ I want to upload my plant journal!! I hand drew a lot of illustrations for it and it turned out really cool.
• ♡ I set up a guestbook, but I'm using someone else as a provider. I think it would be a fun challenge to make comments possible on other pages ^u^

Post number 3

lowkey this feels like being on tumblr idk if i will stick with this format...

There are still a lot of things I want to add to my website, but its coming along!!

THIS IS A TEST POST..

two paragraphs very cool yay yay yippeeeee

okay test is over have a great day