Prophetic Dream Ignorer

woke up this morning with the worst cramps of my life, almost passed out walking to the bathroom, and i am happy to announce: a tuxedo latte, five dollar raspberry chocolate bar, and 3 hour bath with sanrio branded epsom salts completely cured it. Never give up never surrender ✌️

Jesus this week has been so fucking long.

My grandpas funeral was last Sunday, it was nice. I had to drive two hours out to this small northwest town- several roads and other things are named after that side of the family because they own the sawmill. I only ever go there for funerals and weddings, but this was my first time going as like. An adult and not a child, so I actually managed to tell all of my older relatives apart lol. My grandma has thirteen siblings and they all have kids and their kids have kids soooo there were a lot of people. Some of them are actually pretty cool! I've always felt kinda disconnected from them because I live so far away, and thought that once my grandma passed I wouldn't have any way to be invited to these kinds of events but I could actually see myself talking more with some of them in the future… One of them even gave me her number for when I'm abroad because she'll be around that area working on a novel lol. It felt reassuring to have so many people offering support- even if it was kinda embarrassing that I was one of the only people who cried during the funeral.

Apparently my grandma accidentally bought 2 plots at the graveyard when she only needs one for her and grandpa, so that’s where my parents want to be buried. I always knew they both wanted to be cremated, but before this my Mom had said she wanted her ashes spread somewhere peaceful I could visit. A middle of nowhere small town isn't really that. I brought that up and they told me that I could hold the funeral where ever and just ship their ashes over there, and that she doesn't want me getting caught up in the past. My parents have never been that sentimental, so I guess that tracks lol.

Then yesterday my dog died. I'm just trying to focus on getting my fucking degree. My Mom called to let me know after I had driven to a city an hour and a half away from my college town to pick out a graduation dress with some friends, so I just tried to put it out of my mind and focus on that. In the end I couldn't really pick anything out- I wanna be excited about the dress if I'm spending that much on it, and I wasn't really up to feeling excited about anything. I did get a cute Pomni plushie at hot topic tho, which helped me feel a bit better. And my friend who graduated last year drove over to see us at the mall! I really missed her, so it was nice to catch up.

Both my grandpa and my dog weren't unexpected- it had been a long time coming. I got to spend time with both of them too before it happened. I don't really feel any regret or like I misspent the time I got to have with them, so I'm handling things pretty well even if I'm sad. It's just a little shocking to have both things happen so close together. I know I'm an adult now- I'm at the age where these things become more common, but I wish I could know how common this is going to be. I was prepared for both of them to pass, but is having people that I know die going to be a more constant thing? A lot of my Dad's high school friends committed suicide around this age- he actually asked me if anyone I knew had done that yet. I told him no and he got quiet for a minute before wondering if his class had an unusual amount of deaths. I know several of my brothers friends killed themselves after Trump got re-elected, and a couple of my friends have attempted since graduating high school but luckily they didn't succeed. I don't know, I just feel unsure about how much I need to prepare myself.

A big part of why I'm not doing worse emotionally is because I didn't waste any of the time I spent with either of them. So I guess the biggest take-away from all of this is not to take the people I care about for granted and spend more time with my loved ones, then if anything does happen, at least I won't have any regrets. I think I'm already decent at this, but its something to keep in mind. I'm glad April is almost over, this month has sucked.

I may actually have to figure out how to make my own blinkees if I want an Iron Lung blinkee..... sadge....

UPDATE: Blinkees on tumblr made me one!!!!! go check them out they take requests :D

I also added some new songs to my music player hehe. And I have a gifypet now!!

Ok..... here is some stuff I wanna write about cus I'll probably have more freetime once I graduate... tho I am going abroad for an internship for like 10 weeks so who knows lol.

The list is more for my benefit soooo dw if it doesn't make sense.

• ♡ That article about the lululemon murder and comparing it to Bunny by Mona Awad- they both have the dangers of buying into a commercialized identity. "We all want to be ocean" vs Samantha being lowkey groomed into performing this infantilizing false femininity. The allure of this false idealized lifestyle, the way it's reinforced with an us against the dangerous world mentality. "Working a 15,000 job didn't seem conducive to the dream of living a 100,000 one.". ALSO I GET TO TALK ABOUT SOFIA COPPOLA FILMS WHICH I HAVE. A LOT OF OPINIONS ABOUT. She did such a good job with the Marie Antoinette one and then did NOTTTT do what I expected with the Elvis one and completely ruined the message. I need to talk about the pregnancy scene in that movie it pisses me off so bad holy shit.

  The scene started out so good with her water breaking and elvis freaking out in the background while she is CALMLY APPLYING FALSE EYELASHES IN THE FOREGROUND. SHE IS LITERALLY ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH AND IS STILL ONLY FOCUSED ON BEAUTY because it is THAT engrained in her that thats where her value comes from. They drive to the hospital. I am so ready for this to be the turning point of the movie- in Marie Antoinnette its the ending where the peasents destroy the gorgeous castle that Marie's been living in, and here I thought it was going to be the fact that you can't be a perfectly kept demure doll during and after birth. Its not pretty. It can't be. Expecting that would be insanity.

  And we get a shot of her in the hospital. and then the next shot. Is her. Outside the hospital. Holding the baby. Looking PERFECTLY PRISTINE.

  What?? What?????? HOW???? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A WHOLE SHOT ABOUT HER PUTTING ON MAKEUP BEFORE GIVING BIRTH, SHOWING THE INANITY AND RIDICULOUSNESS OF THIS ACTION, THEN HAVE HER KEEP HER PRISTING DOLL APPEARANCE AFTERWARDS. I HATE THIS MOVIE.

• ♡ I wanna compare Serious Weakness and Killing Stalking......... Especially in how Oenene is handled, she is very cool. Killing Stalking was dumb fun but Serious Weakness had me in a fucking chokehold. I was also reading this while I worked nightshift manager for a very large wealthy hotel so the whole "putting up a face to survive and do well in society that wants to spit you out" thing really hit hard- I had a security guards on walkie-talkie, but weird shit happens when you're alone at the front desk and I skipped pretty high on the hierarchy to go straight to manager cause I knew people. Ignoring the imposter syndrome though I got paid pretty well and I could read yaoi on the clock cus I was the highest authority and no one was checking up on me lol.

  The school shooter element really took me by surprise but makes a ton of sense thematically and was handled well. Insul seems to offer freedom from society while Onene seems to offer a way in, but at the end of the day they're both trying to control Trianon. This really clicks during the bulletwife scene. Ugh this book rewired my brain I swear.

• ♡ I need to talk about Cockatiel x Chameleon but literally I don't know what to say. Sometimes its very heavyhanded (like the text description of George Floyds murder?? I don't know if experimental webfiction is the place for that?) sometimes I have no clue what the text is getting at (Everything with the coworker on the car trip.... wtf was that. the breakdancing?? the forest??? did she die?????) however the people that its about feel very of the times. I haven't seen characters that are soooo "terminally online toxic tar pit in 2020" like this in books before. Where else am I gonna get comentary on Rebbecca Sugar discorse, ragebaiter discord mods, online echo chambers, people who live empty lives where they go to work then go home and sleep and do nothing else, and modern nsfw patreon artists. Also the prose is very pretty. Uh... mind the tags if you want to read it for yourself, but most of the really nasty stuff is the characters roleplaying.
• ♡ Was debating talking about some examples of women written by men well vs poorly in podcasts but idk... a lot of the examples are kinda niche and funded by fans which makes it feel more like punching down than critiquing something with lots of money like disney. Ugh but Magnus Archives and Silt Verses have such great female characters while another podcast that shall not be named.......... does not. and it frankly comical in how sexist it is. Like. Has two alive named female characters and the only time one of them is allowed to do anything she is hiding her identity so the protag assumes shes a man. Then when we learn it was actually her she suddenly can't do anything to effect the plot and gets totally neutered. this happens MULTIPLE TIMES. If you are thinking of that one specific podcast yep I'm nodding right now its probably that one.

  the amount of people I've seen defending said podcast is CRAZYYYY which is why I wanna compare it to a couple of others that handle women really well to be like; it doesn't have to be this way!! Look!!! wtf do you mean he's a man so it makes sense he can't write women 😭😭

• ♡ Those video essays that are like "art is ruined forever guys. good movies are dead. Music sucks now" and its just like. them complaining about Disney or the bilboard top 50. SHUT UP!!!! We live in an age where it is easier than ever before to find art catered to you and not the literal broadest audience possible. Theres a reason reality tv is so popular, and its not because its good- its because it has broad appeal. anyone can watch it and understand whats going on. Yeah no shit the most popular stuff shilled by big companies is bad- its designed in a lab to appeal to everyone, not to be good. You need to find stuff that is more specific to your tastes! Not what everyone else would like!

  My example would probably be horror author Lisa Tuttle, her horror anthologies are EXTREMELY RELATABLE to me on a level I haven't really seen in other books. When I say relatable I don't neccasarily mean from the same demographic as you, I just mean has similar struggles. Genuinely it was like. creepy, how I'd go through something and the short stories in "Nest of Nightmares" seemed to be riffing off of it.

I!!!!!!!!!! may rework this page into being more of a journal than an update page, or change the lit page to have journal entries and mini essays. ugh idk.

Had a weird call with my parents, I explained how a lot of things that were stressing me out a couple weeks ago (finding someone to buy my lease, arranging a meeting with my new PI abroad, midterms, class I have to pass to get my degree that I am currently not passing,) have mostly resolved or been taken care of. I've been sooooo exhausted and my Dad was like "Every person you know who is competent? This is how they feel every day lol. Your doing the right thing. The trick is keeping all the plates spinning and knowing how much attention each one needs." Very reassuring but also I don't really feel in control lolllll.

Why can't I get paid 100,000 to hang out with my friends and have silly coffe drinks every day I literally deserve it >:/

MY thought process has always been juggling instead of plates- the trick is knowing which balls are glass and which are plastic, because you're gonna drop some of them no matter what. Drop the plastic ones. Heres the thing though: I HATE DROPPING ANYTHING AT ALLLLLL UGHHHHHHHH.

literally I didn't even go to some of my classes this week but I'm still gonna be fine cus I did make up work and emailed professors about it. BUT I WOULD PREFER TO GET EVERYTHING DONE INSTEAD PLS. UGH!!!!!!

I asked my friend how she got such a cool music player- apparently she found it online! I searched up neocities music players and now the main page has multiple songs!! I also changed the header again... I don't know when I'll be fully happy with it, but I think the main page is finally presentable enough to move on.

TO DO:

♡ Add more songs to music player!! Specifically some stuff by Caravan Palace I think.

♡ Been having weird dreams recently, a dream journal could be fun. I think I would make the page ocean themed- I have some cute mermaid pngs.

♡ Make a button!! I wanna be able to be linked to.

Edit: I FOUND NEW FONTS!!!! THEY LOOK SO COOL AAA. go check out this site here for fonts its really fun.

Home page is looking really good so far!! I still need to fix the music player (idk why it stopped working?) and add my friends buttons to the button scroll, but I made some good progress today.

Swapped out my crappy homepage with a much nicer menu page! and it only took me like 3 hours!! Technically it would be easier to rename it to be my new home page but I think I'm just gonna fix my links to go to the menu instead...

Was messing with the style.css file and I think I lost my font... sadge. I'm working on fixing it rn, will hopefully have a better homepage soon!

FORGET THE PLAN!!! nothing else can happen until i make my home page legible T^T

Okay, i made a list of what I want to get done:

• ♡ Some sort of music player- the biggest issue is I don't have a way to host everything yet... I've been using catbox.moe but I would run out of space around 100 songs.
• ♡ Space for essays- I already have the way I want it organized in mind, this page is wayyy too informal for that. The articles are mostly going to be focused on webfiction, and some philosophy.
• ♡ I want to upload my plant journal!! I hand drew a lot of illustrations for it and it turned out really cool.
• ♡ I set up a guestbook, but I'm using someone else as a provider. I think it would be a fun challenge to make comments possible on other pages ^u^

Post number 3

lowkey this feels like being on tumblr idk if i will stick with this format...

There are still a lot of things I want to add to my website, but its coming along!!

THIS IS A TEST POST..

two paragraphs very cool yay yay yippeeeee

okay test is over have a great day